This is not the first time I’ve slipped up in my write for 30 days straight writing challenge. I failed one day about a week ago and I’ve done so again yesterday. Again the culprit is sleep. I feel asleep before I could write my post. Excuses excuses excuses.

Rather than explain how I missed a day. Let me be more constructive and get some writing practice down. Here are some random observations I’ve had based on my weekend. They will be most random.

My First Porn Shoot

I had the opportunity to observe my first porn shoot/set. Interestingly enough I observed no sex and watched 3 male porn stars act out an office scene for 4 hours. While you’d think this be boring, it was actually quite fascinating to see how these films get made. It was also cool to see how these actors actually have some acting chops. I didn’t expect that. I’m not sure how I would have felt observing an actual sex scene live. I’m sure that probably would disturb my zen like calm.

The Republican Debates

I haven’t been actively watching any of these Republican debates. However, it seems like after each of the debates without fail one of the candidates does or says something ridiculous which ends up all over the news. Even aside from the trip ups these candidates have been having, do any of these candidates actually have a plan to help our country? Not just talking points and pandering to the audience. An actual plan and vision for the future of the country? So far I haven’t heard much so while I’m not a fan of what Obama has done so far I feel in his hands than these other clowns (oops, I didn’t want to call them clowns, but I couldn’t help myself).

My Zeo Sleep

So far my sleep trials with the Zeo application have revealed one major thing about my sleeping habits. I move a lot during my sleep. I have yet to have a perfect night where the sensor has remained on my head. This has made it extremely difficult in actively monitoring my sleep. Maybe handcuffs will work.

Day 16 of 30 of No Internet News Challenge

I still sometimes get the cravings for browsing some internet news. It’s more of a way to pass the time than the fact that I actually get anything of value out of it. I wonder if this is how recovering drug addicts feel?

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I’m pretty tired right now, but I forced myself to write. I figure if I don’t do it now there’s a good chance I won’t do it tomorrow (or today since it’s already morning). The rule for writing is to just to write something. Here’s my something. I just want to sleep. I’m writing this sentence with my eyes closed. Oh well. I did it.

Day 8 of 30 of No Internet News Challenge

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This is going to be a crappy movie review of the Russel Crowe movie “The Next Three Days.” The main reason why it will be crappy is I only watched like half of the movie. Sandy was watching the movie on Netflix and I happened to jump into it in the movie.

The movie stars Maximus, the chick from Jack and Miri make a porno as Maximus’s wife (we’ll call her Miri), and their kid played by a child actor who I could have sworn was in some horror movie about a kid who was possessed by the devil (I can’t remember the name of the movie, but it had a picture of this kid on the movie poster looking possessed, I’ll refer to him as Demon Spawn).

The movie starts out with Maximus and Miri at a dinner party with another couple. They are all laughing it up until the woman whose part of the other couple starts coming onto Maximus (after all he is Maximus). Miri gets all pissed since this girl is obviously hotter than she. It looks like they are going to fight, but Maximus breaks up the fight. As they’re leaving the party Miri is still mad that hot chick made advances toward Maximus. This scene is used to establish that Miri is hardcore…and add credibility that Miri could be a murderer.

After this part I zoned out for about half the movie.

When I returned to Maximus is trying to figure out a way to break out his wife who went to prison for murdering his boss. Using his Maximus skills of cunning he devises a kick ass plan to break out Miri (who we still don’t if she’s truly guilty or innocent). First he robs a meth lab. He tried to spare one guy, but as this is Maximus death and destruction followed. He needs money when he breaks his murderous wife out of the country (his salary as a community college teacher is not so good). After he gets the money, he plants some fake lab reports that says his wife is more sick than she really is. This causes the prison to immediately transfer her to the hospital. At the hospital he breaks Miri out by sneaking into her room and pistol whipping one of the guards in the face. He then manages to get out, pick up Demon Spawn who was at party a the Zoo, drive to Canada, and get himself and family to Venezuela. Meanwhile the cops chasing him thought he was going to Haiti. Maximus wins.

Overall the movie kind of stupid, but at least Russell Crowe was in it. The movie did make me think. If you break someone out of jail who turns out to be not guilty could you still go to jail?

2 thumbs down for movie. 2 thumbs up for Crowe.

Day 5 of 30 of No Internet News Challenge

What in the world is going on out there?

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I was talking with my roommate today about how upset I still am about the state of software patent laws. Specifically I’m pissed that companies like Intellectual Ventures even exist. Their entire business relies on having more money and more patents than the people they shake down. They don’t succeed by innovating or producing a great product. They win by by having more money than the people they sue, who don’t want to undergo a costly legal battle.

I started thinking of potential ways to combat an Intellectual Ventures type business. One way requires I be rich. If I was rich (like a bazillionaire) I would hire a massive force of offshore writers. I then would train them on how to write software patent applications and then I would proceed to generate as many broad inane patents as I could. This way I can cheaply amass even more ridiculous patents than they have. Then I would sue them into oblivion.

The problem with this idea is we’d just end up making a bunch of lawyers rich and we still aren’t contributing anything positive into the business ecosystem. That’s where I came up with both a better solution and maybe even a brilliant tech startup company.

Since I can’t stand software patent litigation why not stop it before it happens? Instead of reacting to lawsuits what if we could prevent them from happening in the first place? The solution is to kill anyone who brings a software patent claim to court.

Yes, this is extreme, but it will be effective. Just like Intellectual Ventures is a mafia type organization we will fight back with mafia type tactics. If we execute everyone who tries to sue another company for a software patent violation at the end of the day potential plaintiffs will sit back and think “hmmm, while the money could be good, it’s no good to me if I’m dead. Maybe I should go do something productive now.”

That’s the solution, but there some problems. How do we find people to kill these software patent plaintiffs and how do we raise enough money to make it worth their while to do so? Also how does everyone avoid going to jail? The solution is the next VC fundabale idea, KillStarter.

KillStarter is the KickStarter for raising money for assassinations. On the site people post people they want dead, why they want them dead, and other evidence supporting any wrong doing this person has committed. All assassination projects will be curated. We would only want truly bad people killed.

After a project is approved people can start anonymously funding it through BitCoins. The site only accept BitCoins so you better stock up on lots of them. BitCoins are used since we want anyone who contributes to remain anonymous as most civilized governments don’t take kindly to assassination (unless you are a terrorist, then it’s ok). The funding is used as the bounty or reward to the successful assassin. To claim the reward any would-be assassin has to download the KillStarter location based app. After a successful assassination they have to take a picture or video of the body using the app. Based on the time, geo-location, photo, and 3rd party new sources we should be able to confirm a successful hit. After that the BitCoin reward is transferred that individual.

We’re looking to raise 5 million dollars bitcoins.

My solution to the software patent issue boils down to good old fashioned murder. This post is whack. However, you have to admit KillStarter does have some good ideas in there. Maybe I can get this built in Afghanistan.

Day 1 of 30 of No Internet News Challenge

First day of no news. I can feel myself becoming more ignorant as I type.

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Along with my hate for Twitter I’m gonna add Food Trucks which seem to be all the rage these days to my hate list.

“Buy why? They are so tasty and gourmet. It’s such a great idea!”

Shut up. Here’s an idea, why don’t we take a truck and sell frozen treats from it? We’ll target the younger crowd, 12 years and under, and to entice them to buy we’ll play music as we drive slowly in their neighborhoods. Sound like the next new hot food truck idea? I’ll call it an Ice Cream Truck. I’ll be rich.

Here’s my beef with these food trucks. People act like this thing is the “best thing eva’!” when in fact it isn’t novel or interesting at all.

Here’s why I hate food trucks…listed in the sequence of actions I need to perform in order to dine at one.

I have to follow twitter or their website to find out where they are

When I’m hungry and want something to eat I don’t want to go hunting for my favorite restaurant. It’s fine the first time I’m going to a new restaurant, but if these mobile gourmet wagons keeps moving around that means I spend more time going hungry than eating. And plus I hate twitter.

Parking is annoying

Unless they are parking in an empty Walmart parking lot, chances are the food truck is going to be parked on a side street where finding parking spaces will take time and could most likely cost money. So wait, I get to spend time looking for parking and pay for parking too? It’s even more annoying if this food truck is popular. No thanks.

I have to wait standing in line

So finally after finding parking I now go to find a billion other fools in line waiting to taste the scrumpdilliumpsious food that awaits them. Can’t I just take a number and come back? Sorry, not at the food truck. Can I sit while await? Sure there’s plenty of room on the curb. This experience awesome!!

Wait how much is this going to cost me

After all that waiting I find the prices here more expensive than most sit down restaurants. They don’t even have the same overhead as a restaurant…granted they have gas to pay, but shouldn’t it be cheaper?

Where do I eat?

Food trucks don’t bring mobile eating stations so that means when I dine at one I dine standing up. While eating while standing is probably healthy for you, I prefer dining while sitting…in a chair…preferably on a table. That is unless the chairs are electrified and are coated with glass shards.

The food tastes like it was made in someone’s vehicle

Maybe I’m biased since I don’t cook, but wouldn’t you rather eat food that has been prepared in a full kitchen than a cramped up truck kitchenette? If I were the cook in one of these things I know I’d be all grumpy having to work in such tight spaces. For sure I wouldn’t be cooking your food with love. OOPS i just sneezed! That sneeze has to be bouncing all over that truck and landing in your gourmet food.

Conclusion

There you have it. I hate food trucks since I have to spend time tracking them down, waiting in line, paying more money. all while standing and eating so-so food. So what’s the allure? Oh, they put kimchi in my tacos? Cool. I  can do that for a fraction of the cost. Feast your eyes below:

Anyway, I feel bad for the ice cream truck operators and the mexican roach coach operators. They’ve been doing this for years and it hasn’t been as crazy till someone made these trucks magically more gourmet (ie just making the truck look a little more presentable and marketable).

People, enjoy this fad while it lasts. I’m sitting this one out. Enjoy your Kimchi tacos. I know I will.

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Let me step you through the the saga of Pale People rapping fast.

Watsky, the Original Pale Kid Who Could Rap Fast

The first video that hit the scene was this poet name George Watsky. Apparently in his spare time he hones his poetry by rappin’ fast.

Maclethal Says He’s a Pale Kid Who Can Rap Faster

Not sure the exact inspiration, but after Watsky got all the intention Maclethal decided to unleash some lethal white person rapping fast speed.

Maclethal Does Another Video Proving He’s the Fastest

Apparently a lot of Youtube haters was saying his first video (above) was articially sped up. So to prove his rap worthiness he did another video…this time with iPhone stop watch to prove that indeed he is currently the fastest white person to rap on the planet…

And there you have the current saga of pale people rapping fast. Stay tuned, who know what new challengers will emerge.

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A good example of this is Lady Gaga’s Poker Face.  In the song she has a verse, “I’ll get him hot, show him what I got.”  Here you can watch this verse below:

Anyway, when I heard first this song I always thought Lady Gaga was saying “I’ll get him HARD, show him what I got.”  To which I would ask other people, “Why is Lady Gaga so naughty??”  How could they let such explicit lyrics on American radio waves??

Of course I always thought I was the only one who thought this way…that is until I found this video.  The video is of a Taiwanese pop star performing Lady Gaga’s Poker face on some kind of reality TV show competition (I’m guessing like American Idol, but for Taiwan, which would actually make it Taiwanese Idol…).  She really gets into the part: dies her hair white, wears the Gaga outfit, and even applies Gaga makeup.  I mention all this to point out that this is a serious competition and not just some silly person on youtube singing covers of Poker Face.   This is well produced.  See for yourself what lyric she ends up singing:

That’s right folks not only can you hear her say “hard,” but it’s also in the English subtitled lyrics that the show includes!

Perhaps the official lyrics are not so official anymore and this was all just a ploy by Lady Gaga to get naughty lyrics on the airwaves.  Nice one Gaga…nice one!

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Why?  It all started out of boredom as I was playing around with Facebook settings.  I happen to click on in the section where it says you can change your name.   Facebook basically asks you for the name you are changing to so I typed in something ridiculous (I was kind of curious how crazy you could make them name before they would reject it), so off the top of my head “O’Mally Valdez” sounded good.  Later on I decided to add “Madoff” to the end after I read about how Whoopi Goldberg’s real name was “Caryn Elaine Johnson” and her mom suggested in order for people to take her serious she should add a Jewish last name…so hence Goldberg.  In my case I decided to choose a Jewish surname that would command respect and trust…hence “Madoff.”

So that’s how the whole name changing thing started.  (There was also a slight paranoid factor/motivation involved (in that I really don’t trust Facebook with all my real data so I try to give it fake data so at least this way Mark Zuckerberg can’t stalk me.)  Anyway, so I went ahead with the name change.

I assumed that people would know that I changed my name and that anytime they saw “O’Malley” in their feed they would realize it was me, however this was not the case.  I started noticing some interesting things.

• The number of friend requests I normally got decreased (this could be just because I ran out of friends…)
• When I would try to add people whom I knew and just met they would ignore my friend request
• One girl I met asked me for my Facebook name and I told her “O’Malley” and she said “No, really what’s your Facebook name?”  I swore to god that that was my name…but she wouldn’t believe me
• Less people responded to my status updates and general Facebook spewing (I attribute this to people looking in the feed and wondering “who the f*ck is O’Malley?” and then ignoring whatever was there
• One person actually thought my name was O’Malley and addressed me as O’Malley (just goes to show you how close Facebook friends are!)

Anyway, today O’Malley got hit by a bus and died.  So he no longer exists.  I’ll see if anything changes by using my “real name.”

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As you guys know I’m a SUPER BIG AWESOME-O BEST-EST Fan of Twitter (see my post I Truly Hate Twitter) and I’ve decided to jump on the Twitter book publishing bandwagon and am working on my own Twitter book titled Twitter IS For Dummies.

Just what kinds of things can you expect to learn in my upcoming super great Twitter book?  I’m glad you asked… Learn to:

• Share when you last made a bowel movement or any other personal bodily function that ordinarily you wouldn’t publicize to the world.  Ex.  “I just pooped my pants!”
• Believe that Twitter is the greatest thing on the planet.  In order to use twitter you must love it unconditionally.  It’s better than everything.  The sooner you realize this the more ready you are to join the Church of Twitter
• Make yourself feel even more important than you really are.  If you have low self-esteem Twitter will make you feel more important by deluding yourself into thinking people actually care when you tweet “OMG I just got my period”
• Twitter in dangerous situations where your safety is less important than sharing your tweet.  Next time you are being mugged, attacked, raped, held at gun point…take a timeout with your assailant and whip out your phone so you can tweet “I’m being raped now and I feel bloated. FML!”

So yeah, please keep a look out for Twitter Is For Dummies.  It truly will be a glorious book and make me filthy rich.  If you are looking for other self help books also check out my book Just Because There’s a Goalie Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Score.

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I have to get something off my chest.  It’s been bothering me for the past few months and I’ve been meaning to write about it, but hadn’t made the time.  Better now than never.  So here it goes…

LMFAO (the band) please stop making alternate versions to your song “I’m in Miami Trick.”

I don’t know if you guys know LMFAO, but they have this super annoying song that’s played a billion times on the radio called “I’m in Miami Bitch” or the more radio appropriate version “I’m in Miami Trick.”  I’ve embedded the song and video below for your listening “enjoyment.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

To be honest I kinda liked the song the first time they played it, but in typical commercialized brainwashing fashion they kept playing it until my ears bled.  That was already painful enough, but nothing out of the ordinary, however things got worse.  One day while listening to the radio I hear…

blah blah blah … I’m in LA trick!

At first I thought I was listening to a different song because I could have sworn they normally say “I’m in Miami Trick.” But the DJ said it was LMFAO.   Fair enough so there’s 2 different versions of this song. A few weeks later I was driving around San Francisco and heard this on the radio…

blah blah blah…I’m in The Bay trick!

WTF?  There 3 versions of this song now?  The worst part is that’s it’s not even brand new lyrics talking about “the Bay” or whatever city they are singing about.  It’s just them replacing one city name with another city name and then adding “trick” after it.   Either way my hatred for the song and the band is steadily increasing (not yet at Twitter hate levels).

A few weeks later my girlfriend comes back from Denver, Colorado, and says “you’ll never guess what I heard in Denver…”   Please don’t tell me–

blah blah blah…I’m in Denver trick!

That’s right, Denver now has it’s own LMFAO “Trick” song.  This was the straw that broke my back.  Just how much more pandering to the audience and selling out can LMFAO do?  Just how many versions of their crappy song “I’m in Miami Trick” are there?  Wikipedia provided me the answers.

There are at least 59 versions of “I’m in [FILL IN THE BLANK WITH WHATEVER] Trick!”

Yes 59 versions of their song.  I won’t list them all here, but that’s a lot of “tricks.”  Among the more notable “Tricks” include:

• “I’m in New Bedford Trick” (New Bedford, MA, I had to look that up)
• “I’m in the Burgh Trick” (Pittsburgh)
• “I’m in Fort Wayne Trick” (Fort Wayne, IN)
• “I’m in Winnipeg Trick” (Winnipeg, Canada)
• “I’m in the IE Trick” (I thought Internet Explorer, but Inland Empire CA)
• “I’m in Canada Trick” (for stations in rural Canada)

Before I thought the formula for a LMFAO song was [Any American City] + Trick.  However, from the list of 59 versions apparently you can just choose any geographic location.  It can be a city anywhere in the world, a region, a country, etc…  What is somewhat amusing is how LMFAO got lazy with Canada.  Rather than go through and “create” alternate versions for many of the cities in Canada (besides the major ones) they just decided to do a blanket Canadian version “I’m in Canada Trick.”  Geez, LMFAO, if you are going to do something do it all the way!

Why stop at geographic locations?  Why not take your hit making formula and just  incorporate any nouns that make somewhat sense?  This way you can target and market your talent to those people…  Here are some suggestions to help you increase your sales revenue:

• “I’m in Foreclosure Trick!”
• “I’m without Insurance Trick!”
• “I’m in Pre-School Trick”
• “I’m in Detention Trick”
• “I’m in Jail Trick”
• “I’m in Denial Trick”
• “I’m in My Car Trick”

I can’t stop myself from coming up with more LMFAO hits.  I should be a song writer.

Anyway, there has to be some record in the Guinness Book of World Records for most versions of a crappy song done by the same artist.  At 59 versions LMFAO would definitely be the front runner.  Not even Petey Pablo and his song “Raise Up” did he decide to sell out and do separate versions for each major city instead he just did:

a remix called “Raise Up [All Cities remix]” which is similar to the original, starting off with North Carolina, except that he shouts out other cities, states or regions in this order: South Carolina, Atlanta, Virginia, New York City, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., Maryland, Houston, Dallas, New Orleans, St. Louis, Miami, Los Angeles, Chicago, Las Vegas and San Francisco Bay Area.

Luckily not every music artist goes to the darkside like LMFAO and creates a cookie cutter song.  I mean can you imagine if John Denver had gone to LMFAO for guidance on his song “Take Me Home, Country Roads”?  The chorus might have been:

“Take me home, country roads, to the place I belong…East Calcutta, Mountain Mama…”

So I make my final plea LMFAO…please stop…please!!

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