A good example of this is Lady Gaga’s Poker Face.  In the song she has a verse, “I’ll get him hot, show him what I got.”  Here you can watch this verse below:

Anyway, when I heard first this song I always thought Lady Gaga was saying “I’ll get him HARD, show him what I got.”  To which I would ask other people, “Why is Lady Gaga so naughty??”  How could they let such explicit lyrics on American radio waves??

Of course I always thought I was the only one who thought this way…that is until I found this video.  The video is of a Taiwanese pop star performing Lady Gaga’s Poker face on some kind of reality TV show competition (I’m guessing like American Idol, but for Taiwan, which would actually make it Taiwanese Idol…).  She really gets into the part: dies her hair white, wears the Gaga outfit, and even applies Gaga makeup.  I mention all this to point out that this is a serious competition and not just some silly person on youtube singing covers of Poker Face.   This is well produced.  See for yourself what lyric she ends up singing:

That’s right folks not only can you hear her say “hard,” but it’s also in the English subtitled lyrics that the show includes!

Perhaps the official lyrics are not so official anymore and this was all just a ploy by Lady Gaga to get naughty lyrics on the airwaves.  Nice one Gaga…nice one!

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Why?  It all started out of boredom as I was playing around with Facebook settings.  I happen to click on in the section where it says you can change your name.   Facebook basically asks you for the name you are changing to so I typed in something ridiculous (I was kind of curious how crazy you could make them name before they would reject it), so off the top of my head “O’Mally Valdez” sounded good.  Later on I decided to add “Madoff” to the end after I read about how Whoopi Goldberg’s real name was “Caryn Elaine Johnson” and her mom suggested in order for people to take her serious she should add a Jewish last name…so hence Goldberg.  In my case I decided to choose a Jewish surname that would command respect and trust…hence “Madoff.”

So that’s how the whole name changing thing started.  (There was also a slight paranoid factor/motivation involved (in that I really don’t trust Facebook with all my real data so I try to give it fake data so at least this way Mark Zuckerberg can’t stalk me.)  Anyway, so I went ahead with the name change.

I assumed that people would know that I changed my name and that anytime they saw “O’Malley” in their feed they would realize it was me, however this was not the case.  I started noticing some interesting things.

• The number of friend requests I normally got decreased (this could be just because I ran out of friends…)
• When I would try to add people whom I knew and just met they would ignore my friend request
• One girl I met asked me for my Facebook name and I told her “O’Malley” and she said “No, really what’s your Facebook name?”  I swore to god that that was my name…but she wouldn’t believe me
• Less people responded to my status updates and general Facebook spewing (I attribute this to people looking in the feed and wondering “who the f*ck is O’Malley?” and then ignoring whatever was there
• One person actually thought my name was O’Malley and addressed me as O’Malley (just goes to show you how close Facebook friends are!)

Anyway, today O’Malley got hit by a bus and died.  So he no longer exists.  I’ll see if anything changes by using my “real name.”

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As you guys know I’m a SUPER BIG AWESOME-O BEST-EST Fan of Twitter (see my post I Truly Hate Twitter) and I’ve decided to jump on the Twitter book publishing bandwagon and am working on my own Twitter book titled Twitter IS For Dummies.

Just what kinds of things can you expect to learn in my upcoming super great Twitter book?  I’m glad you asked… Learn to:

• Share when you last made a bowel movement or any other personal bodily function that ordinarily you wouldn’t publicize to the world.  Ex.  “I just pooped my pants!”
• Believe that Twitter is the greatest thing on the planet.  In order to use twitter you must love it unconditionally.  It’s better than everything.  The sooner you realize this the more ready you are to join the Church of Twitter
• Make yourself feel even more important than you really are.  If you have low self-esteem Twitter will make you feel more important by deluding yourself into thinking people actually care when you tweet “OMG I just got my period”
• Twitter in dangerous situations where your safety is less important than sharing your tweet.  Next time you are being mugged, attacked, raped, held at gun point…take a timeout with your assailant and whip out your phone so you can tweet “I’m being raped now and I feel bloated. FML!”

So yeah, please keep a look out for Twitter Is For Dummies.  It truly will be a glorious book and make me filthy rich.  If you are looking for other self help books also check out my book Just Because There’s a Goalie Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Score.

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I have to get something off my chest.  It’s been bothering me for the past few months and I’ve been meaning to write about it, but hadn’t made the time.  Better now than never.  So here it goes…

LMFAO (the band) please stop making alternate versions to your song “I’m in Miami Trick.”

I don’t know if you guys know LMFAO, but they have this super annoying song that’s played a billion times on the radio called “I’m in Miami Bitch” or the more radio appropriate version “I’m in Miami Trick.”  I’ve embedded the song and video below for your listening “enjoyment.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

To be honest I kinda liked the song the first time they played it, but in typical commercialized brainwashing fashion they kept playing it until my ears bled.  That was already painful enough, but nothing out of the ordinary, however things got worse.  One day while listening to the radio I hear…

blah blah blah … I’m in LA trick!

At first I thought I was listening to a different song because I could have sworn they normally say “I’m in Miami Trick.” But the DJ said it was LMFAO.   Fair enough so there’s 2 different versions of this song. A few weeks later I was driving around San Francisco and heard this on the radio…

blah blah blah…I’m in The Bay trick!

WTF?  There 3 versions of this song now?  The worst part is that’s it’s not even brand new lyrics talking about “the Bay” or whatever city they are singing about.  It’s just them replacing one city name with another city name and then adding “trick” after it.   Either way my hatred for the song and the band is steadily increasing (not yet at Twitter hate levels).

A few weeks later my girlfriend comes back from Denver, Colorado, and says “you’ll never guess what I heard in Denver…”   Please don’t tell me–

blah blah blah…I’m in Denver trick!

That’s right, Denver now has it’s own LMFAO “Trick” song.  This was the straw that broke my back.  Just how much more pandering to the audience and selling out can LMFAO do?  Just how many versions of their crappy song “I’m in Miami Trick” are there?  Wikipedia provided me the answers.

There are at least 59 versions of “I’m in [FILL IN THE BLANK WITH WHATEVER] Trick!”

Yes 59 versions of their song.  I won’t list them all here, but that’s a lot of “tricks.”  Among the more notable “Tricks” include:

• “I’m in New Bedford Trick” (New Bedford, MA, I had to look that up)
• “I’m in the Burgh Trick” (Pittsburgh)
• “I’m in Fort Wayne Trick” (Fort Wayne, IN)
• “I’m in Winnipeg Trick” (Winnipeg, Canada)
• “I’m in the IE Trick” (I thought Internet Explorer, but Inland Empire CA)
• “I’m in Canada Trick” (for stations in rural Canada)

Before I thought the formula for a LMFAO song was [Any American City] + Trick.  However, from the list of 59 versions apparently you can just choose any geographic location.  It can be a city anywhere in the world, a region, a country, etc…  What is somewhat amusing is how LMFAO got lazy with Canada.  Rather than go through and “create” alternate versions for many of the cities in Canada (besides the major ones) they just decided to do a blanket Canadian version “I’m in Canada Trick.”  Geez, LMFAO, if you are going to do something do it all the way!

Why stop at geographic locations?  Why not take your hit making formula and just  incorporate any nouns that make somewhat sense?  This way you can target and market your talent to those people…  Here are some suggestions to help you increase your sales revenue:

• “I’m in Foreclosure Trick!”
• “I’m without Insurance Trick!”
• “I’m in Pre-School Trick”
• “I’m in Detention Trick”
• “I’m in Jail Trick”
• “I’m in Denial Trick”
• “I’m in My Car Trick”

I can’t stop myself from coming up with more LMFAO hits.  I should be a song writer.

Anyway, there has to be some record in the Guinness Book of World Records for most versions of a crappy song done by the same artist.  At 59 versions LMFAO would definitely be the front runner.  Not even Petey Pablo and his song “Raise Up” did he decide to sell out and do separate versions for each major city instead he just did:

a remix called “Raise Up [All Cities remix]” which is similar to the original, starting off with North Carolina, except that he shouts out other cities, states or regions in this order: South Carolina, Atlanta, Virginia, New York City, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., Maryland, Houston, Dallas, New Orleans, St. Louis, Miami, Los Angeles, Chicago, Las Vegas and San Francisco Bay Area.

Luckily not every music artist goes to the darkside like LMFAO and creates a cookie cutter song.  I mean can you imagine if John Denver had gone to LMFAO for guidance on his song “Take Me Home, Country Roads”?  The chorus might have been:

“Take me home, country roads, to the place I belong…East Calcutta, Mountain Mama…”

So I make my final plea LMFAO…please stop…please!!

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• A Facebook Application for dating
• Actually a Facebook application
• A Facebook Application to charge strangers money to have sex with your friends

What it is:

• An easy way to annoy and poke fun at your friends
• A method to imply that your friends support messages, products, causes which in fact they might not
• A way to pass the time on Facebook

How to Play:

1)  Select a Facebook advertisement that you want one of your FB friends to endorse.  In my example here I have chosen this Ad which is “Mom Builds Her Company”

2) Select one of your friend’s on Facebook which you would like to “pimp out.”  Or in this case which friend do you think would best represent the advertisement you have chosen.  In my case I felt my friend, we’ll call him Ed, would be a fitting spokesperson for a Mom who builds a company.  Grab a picture from their photos which you think would look best for the ad.  This one is a good one of Ed.

3) Edit the photo you selected so it fits in nicely with the advertisement you chose.  This take a little technical know-how, but you can use photoshop, paint, or whatever imaging program you like to use.  Once you have done that you should have something that might look like this:

4)  Post your newly created advertisement image into your Facebook feed by sharing the image.  Make sure to tag your friend and write a “cheeky” message along side it.  It’s up to you if you want to tell them it’s fake or not.   Here’s my example again.

5) Now wait and see if your friend responds.  If they don’t respond with their own advertisement you are considered the winner which gives you permission to continue putting them into fake ads.

The Inspiration

This game came about from this article i read about how Facebook is already inserting our profile photos (and other photos) into Facebook ads.  Apparently as a user of Facebook you have to go in and manually “opt out.”  I figure if they are going to do that i might as well make my own ads to help them.  You’re welcome Facebook.

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No one will argue the fact that the iPhone (in all its iterations) has been wildly successful.  It’s a cool, slick looking, and useful phone.  If it wasn’t for AT&T and their god awful data pricing plans, I might be tempted to buy one.   Until then I’m sticking with my trusty super smart phone…the Nokia 2610.

What’s that you never heard of the Nokia 2610?   It’s because it’s too awesome that people have overlooked it; a proverbial “diamond in the rough.”  The Nokia 2610 was a pre-paid phone offered through T-Mobile for $30.  I originally bought the phone for my mom to use on our family plan, but I liked it so much I bought one for myself to replace a questionable Motorola Slvr L7 phone I had.  Anyway, the phone is rock solid…it has the best reception (it gets reception where other phones crap out) and it has awesome battery life (over 4 hours talk).

However, it’s really a no thrills kind of phone.  Bluetooth?  Nope.  Games?  Nope (you have to pay for them) MP3 playback?  Not really.  I’ll be honest I do get a little jealous when I see other people with their iPhones.  Playing their games, looking up stuff on the internet while in the car, etc… but with a $199 price tag and then a 2 year contract at $69 a month (the lowest plan you can currently get) you are still looking at paying $1855 (and that doesn’t even include taxes).  That’s a lot of green.

So instead of getting the iPhone, I just play with my Dad’s 16gb iPod Touch (picked up a used one for him on craigslist for about $140).  No phone or 3g network, but I do get just about everything else the iPhone has and I’m not enslaved to AT&T for 2 years.

Then there was all the hoopla and hype about the new iPhone 3GS.  Once again it was thrown in my face how awesome the iPhone is.  To compensate I tried carrying both the iPod Touch and the Nokia wherever I went, but it kind of sucked having to carry 2 different devices with me wherever I went.  Just wasn’t convenient.

But then I slipped, fell, hit my head on the toilet, and when I came to I saw this… iPhone 3GA (the A is for Awesome).

That’s right.   I’ve combined both of my favorite devices into one, the iPhone 3GA.  Now I can take calls and play Tap Tap Revenge on the same “all-in-one” device.  Oh what’s that you say? You want to check movie times?  Sure just use my iPhone 3GA.  What’s that?  It’s not working?  Oh, we need a wifi signal.

Ok it’s not perfect, but it’s darn pretty close.  Best part is the price:  $30 (Nokia 2610)  + $140 (used iPod touch)  = $170 (iPhone 3GA).  And remember no ridiculous AT&T devil contracts.

Some of you may think this is a joke, but kid thee I not. I plan on using my iPhone 3GA.  I’ll report back and let you know if it truly is the Awesomest phone on the planet.

It is pretty damn sexy, the phone, not me (I need to shave).

*** UPDATE ***

Here’s a little live video of the iPhone 3ga in action:

Click here to view the embedded video.

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I was just thinking to myself…you really have to hate twitter if you search “I Hate Twitter” in all CAPS.  I can just imagine some kid sitting at home all angry about how Twitter murdered his family so he opens up his browser and googles “I HATE TWITTER.”  It’s good to know I’m not alone in the world and I’m not taking crazy pills.

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Such a smug otter.

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(This spaz comes courtesy of losers making fake Kanye West Twitter accounts) I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER… WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I’M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I’M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I’M NOT AND I’M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN’T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF. THE PEOPLE AT TWITTER KNOW I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER SO FOR THEM TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO POSE AS ME AND ACCUMULATE OVER A MILLION NAMES IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND DECEITFUL TO THERE FAITHFUL USERS. REPEAT… THE HEADS OF TWITTER KNEW I DIDN’T HAVE A TWITTER AND THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ACCOUNTS HAVE HIGH ACTIVITY ON THEM. IT’S A FUCKING FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE. HEY TWITTER, TAKE THE SO CALLED KANYE WEST TWITTER DOWN NOW …. WHY? … BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!!!!!!!!

My hat goes off to you Kanye.  Even though I don’t even register in your world.  I tip my hat off to you.  You are absolutely right…you don’t have time to Twitter because you are too busy being creative.  Kudos.

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1 in 5 teenagers have done “sexting” (the sending of sexually explicit text messages)

teen preganacy is on the rise for the first time in 15 years

my thoughts: is there a correlation between the two?

At the gym:

Is water good for you?

my thoughts: no, vodka is better for you

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